Disciplinarian

So awkward trials gave way to a return to order, or a return to the need to organize thoughts, palettes, methods and the studio. I feel good about this- or I should say, I feel that intuitive pinch that tells me that this is correct. I think there can be this push to throw the baby out with the bath water in studio practice, when things aren't adding up, to keep asking 'why, why, why??' and continually redefining oneself unnecessarily.

Perhaps we do this in an attempt to hide our weaknesses from ourselves or in an effort to get somewhere quickly. Usually it drives us into increasingly tighter circles.

In either case, I'm glad to mix a wonderfully traditional palette with a full range, rediscovering some subtle colors that I appreciate in nature but haven't mixed specifically in a long time. Mmmm...purple. Yellow. And everything in between....

Awkward trials not awkward enough

Letters- not words, he says. And although it did finish with one legible word, he's right. And why it took me 2+ years to try something I wanted to do, I don't know. I only know it has to be a lesson and a command to OPEN up. Yes, it's a mediocre painting but it offers up some possibilities. 

First of all, the world didn't implode. When you go most of your life pinging from thing to thing and then find some measure of focus, it can be scary to throw something new in the mix. In fact, fear has trickled into everything and it is indeed the enemy. 

So, there are some letters in the painting. I guess my fear was masked as an assumption. An assumption that 'why bother it's going to be too declarative, pin it down too much, too grounded, be a red herring, etc' was made. It turned out to be mostly correct. But I forgot all the things you learn on the way- it had been so long since I threw a wrench in my work on purpose (having to dodge incidental wrenches from outside).

I learned that it will be possible for me to work with letters but that it's going to take more time/trials. I learned that using letters could offer yet another tool, another dimension in the painting. If I play with signifiers of space, is it so off-base to play with signifiers of language/sound? And if it is, I need to learn that the hard way. In fact, this painting isn't awkward enough, it's just crap. Really. Garage sale $5. 

be compassionate with your time

I would like to hear something I've never heard before- but I can't go looking for it. I would like to see a place I've never seen but I can't go searching for it. January, I guess, is just a time for biding time and posing questions. It also seems like a time for quick decay, because every word, thought or idea seems to dissolve as soon as it exits the mind. They don't linger like I need them to- in order to move them around and arrange them into something cohesive. Nothing is leading into anything else, everything is self-contained. And that just doesn't work for me. C'mon March- and freedom. 

I will not fight the season but I will try to ride it a little more gracefully. That is my promise to you, January. Febuary, I make no promises. 

On the positive side, I can say that I have been honest with my words, which may explain the quick decay. It's amazing how many opinions I used to back down on just because I wasn't as loud. Maybe January can also be for agreeing to disagree and forgiving. I mean forgiveness in the small sense especially right now- forgiveness of the slightly awkward, strange, inappropriate, slow, dumb, snobbish or biting. I believe that I used to jump at every slight turn but that it really gets us nowhere to do so. The people I really like being around right now understand this or are also trying. 

Now, if I can only escape the Death Star and get back to the studio. The Death Star sure has great health insurance.